Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

Great people do things before they're ready. They do things before they know they can do it. And by doing it, they're proven right." - Amy Poehler

Hello. I’m Erica, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have an intention, but I have no idea of how to make it a reality, so I’m here to just do something. I’d like to write a memoir, or three. I don’t have much writing experience except for a blog I had over a decade ago. But I want to share my stories, and perspectives, and I need to practice writing if I ever hope of complaining about how exhausting my book tour is someday. 

This substack is currently named “My Brain Dumps”. Why? A lot of the writing I do comes out in the form of a brain dump. What is a brain dump? Just a complete dumping out of the random thoughts I have in my brain at any given time. I will attempt to make some semblance of a sentence out of them… or I won’t. We’ll see.

I want to tell you all about me, but I find it challenging to explain “me” in any sort of coherent essay. So, you will now be getting the brain dump version. 

I am generally a nice person… unless you’ve deeply disrespected me or someone I love, in which case I hate you, always. 

I am genuine. What you see is what you get. I think my friends appreciate that about me, but I also think if they don’t they may never tell me. See previous sentence.

I am in a constant battle with myself, all that I want to accomplish, and my inability to get off the couch and do any of it. Is it because of depression/anxiety, executive dysfunction, or laziness? Yes.

I am a Taurus sun, Aquarius moon, and rising Leo. I will also ask you what sign you are, but not what time you were born. I don’t actually care that much.

I powerlift, so I am physically stronger than some men, but I am also a feminine goddess. I have brought life to this earth, and I have kept life from arriving here too. 

I am a words of affirmation love language, and love being told how great/funny/beautiful/sexy/strong I am. But that also means the wrong words can cut me deep to my core and live with me well beyond the person that said them could ever possibly imagine. 

I am learning to be okay with peace. So much of my life I was under a constant state of stress, I’m just now learning how to appreciate when life is boring, and not worry that it will fall apart any second. I believe my therapist would say I’m regulating my nervous system.

I am a hard exterior and mushy on the inside.

I am a ride or die friend - I’ll offer to burn all of your cheating husband's worldly possessions - or if you die unexpectedly I’ll go collect all the things you don’t want anyone to know you have and burn it all. I guess I also like to burn things.

I cry easily. Like when I sing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”, specifically at the part where “he kneels to the ground and pulls out a ring and says marry me Juliet you never have to be alone. I love you and that's all I really know”. I’m crying just typing it out. 

I don’t feel worthy of, or know that I believe in the romantic love my 10 year old self created and dreams of having. 

I love sitting in the sun, and being near water. 

I hope to move to the beach someday. My retirement plan is to sing and play guitar at beach bars. I currently cannot sing, nor do I know how to play the guitar. 

I want my freedom more than I want a professional title or the world's version of success. 

I despise being told what to do, but I excel when someone gives me a task and I can show them how great I am at doing that task… if I decide I want to do the task that is. 

I love bingeing good tv for hours on end, but I rarely want to commit time to watching a movie.

I am spiritual. I am stubborn. I am neurotic. I am messy. I am a good fucking time. 

I sometimes feel like I have lived a thousand lives. I have lived with loved ones with serious mental health, and addiction issues. I lived my adolescence through the 90’s, in a fat body. I have lived through a very ugly divorce of my parents, and a less ugly but just as painful divorce myself. I have had my body sliced open and a human pulled out. I have also traveled, danced, loved, and laughed till I peed my pants with some amazing people by my side. 

I am proof you can have trauma, and you can heal. 

I am ready to share some of my life’s most memorable and vulnerable stories. Maybe for the people I know to understand me better. Moreso for someone to read and feel something; to laugh, to learn, to cry, to feel seen or less alone. Or, just to get the thoughts, feelings, and experiences rolling around in my head, out. It gets really crazy in there. 

If you made it this far, welcome. I am Erica. Welcome to the ThunderDome.

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